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It was almost 12:45AM, I was tossing and turning, feeling the most upset I've probably ever been. The more I thought about it, the more sick to my stomach I got. I was expected to stay the night and leave in the morning. But I couldn't. I just wanted to get away from this... this feeling. At 1AM, I left. Earlier that night, I had held her close, tears streaming down her cheek. We shared a last kiss. I thought it was goodbye for now... not forever. It was a 10 hour drive home.
At 4AM, I realized I had made several big mistakes that night. One of them was thinking that if I left, the unsettling sick feeling I was experiencing would go away or at least ease up. Instead, in the pitch black on the open highway in the early morning hours, the feelings intensified. I was exhausted. I couldn't sleep. I kept replaying the events of the week over and over. And then, suddenly it seemed, I was 100 miles off course. I must have missed an exit a long way back. I pulled into a rest area and tried to sleep for a bit. Even though it was mid July, I shivered in my vehicle. A couple hours later, I resumed the trip back home. By the time I arrived, it had been a 16 hour ordeal on the road. It all seemed surreal.
As the weeks passed, the letters that used to be frequent became infrequent...until one day, she was gone.
Grief. Overwhelming grief. And anger. And regret. I struggled through a deep depression, questioning who I was... for five. long. years.
I tried to make this song (and the whole album for that matter) sound how I felt. Because I didn't know how else to deal with it.
My confidence did finally return when I stopped trying to wrap my identity up in my past. I pressed forward and found life anew, with the promise of something even better than what I had lost, even though I wouldn't have believed it years earlier.
What's interesting to me, revisiting the songs from DEADLETTERS all these years later, is how they captured an emotion; captured a moment. And while I am not in that spot anymore (and haven't been for more than 18 years), I've had people tell me these songs have helped them through difficult times. My grief, sorrow, anger, and ultimately letting go has helped others express and cope with similar situations. Hearing that astounds me. It proves to me that my God can take something terrible that happened and use it for helping others. And for that, I am truly honored. And grateful.
The first recording of this song appeared on the "Disillusioned" independent album (1999). It was re-recorded for the DEADLETTERS album in 2002. In 2006, as RELESSER, I did a remix that increased the tempo, had no guitars, and included piano and strings, and an alternate chorus. The files for that remix were lost in a hard drive crash. In 2011, this song was one of the first to be re-recorded from scratch for the RESCINDING DEADLETTERS album. Initially, I had trouble deciding whether to redo the remix from scratch and use that or to go with the original downtempo vibe. I ended up doing a version closer to the 2002 version, with the expectation that I would eventually redo the remix and put it on the B-sides disc of RESCINDING DEADLETTERS. As the recording sessions for the album started drawing to a close in Fall 2019, I revisited the 2011 mix with the idea of making sure it was up to the standards I use for recording today. As I dove into the song, I heard a hybrid of the RELESSER remix and the original version. So I went for it and the result is what is published here. At around 6 minutes in length, this marks one of the longest songs on the album. This song has always been "all vibe" and was never intended for radio.
Yet, here it is, in all it's glory: my emotional roller coaster.
-Asche Relesser, October 2019
One A.M... and here I am again
Has it been two years too long?
One A.M.... and the tears are streaming down your cheek
Feels like yesterday
Let your memory fade... away
I would rather be empty
Another day and I'm left behind again
Each new change is marked by deeper wounds
I tried so hard to let you go but
I can't believe that it's over...
I don't want to think it's over...
Let the memories fall down on my face - they're all I have now
Let the regret fulfill destiny
And take you from
Times have changed [people change]
But not the way I feel... for you
Each new step just takes me further away
To reach for you would break your wish and I -
I miss you
I can't believe you're
Autumn's Descent started in October 1995 as a hard rock project with industrial overtones. From 1996-2011 it became a live
performing entity, releasing several albums & EPs, and performing shows across the United States. Starting in 2003, Autumn's Descent's music was licensed into TV Shows, Movies, and Video Games. Autumn's Descent is expected to return with new music and performances in 2018....more